Ryoga, Get Lost!
by Shojo
Summary: Everyone admires Ryoga, the man with no sense of direction, but what if he suddenly got it back?
1. Ryoga, Are You Okay?

Chapter 1: Ryoga, Are You Okay?

"You can't run forever, boy!"

"Hey, you're one to talk. You're turning soft, pop!"

"That's it boy! Take a bath!"

"What 'dya do that for!" -A typical morning in the Tendo household. Ranma and Genma were sparring on the roof as usual. Why exactly were they fighting though? Good question...

Kasumi, as always, intercepts, "Mr. Saotome, Ranma, breakfast is ready!"

"Thank you, Kasumi." Genma answers.

---

"Everyone, eat up! I made my own special meal today! It's an okonomiyaki made with my lucky spices, or un koumi. I call it 'Unkonomiyaki'!" Akane yelled enthusiastically.

Ranma answered quickly, "Akane, maybe it's just me, but wouldn't that name mean 'Japanese Pizza Made Of Sh--"

"ALRIGHT, so everybody dig in!"

"Mmm. Akane, this is almost edible!" Ranma exclaims in amazement.

"What? Really!" Akane squeels.

"No." Ranma utters as he trudges to the bathroom.

"...R.A.N.M.A..." Akane screeches as she chases after him. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Just get out of my LIFE!"

"Hey, looks like Akane made breakfast again. Mind if I try some?" Ryoga asks, walking in.

"Oh, hello Ryoga. Umm, Ryoga... Are you okay? This is AKANE. This is HER COOKING. This is our kitchen AFTERWORDS." Soun replied skeptically, pointing out the charred black kitchen full of frayed wires and burning cabinets, which Kasumi was putting out, still somehow maintaining her girlish charm.

Oh, but my love for her can let me stomach even a 5 course meal made by her Ryoga thought dreamily to himself. "Oh, I don't mind. It can't be THAT bad!"

---

ryoga-

-ryoga-

"RYOGA!"

"Huh, where am I? ...oh yeah, Akane's house! I came to enjoy some breakfast made by--" my smoochie-coochie! "--Akane. Then... What happened!" Ryoga questioned dreamily.

"Well, you said to your self, 'wow, yum.', then you stood up slowly, stumbled over to the TV, turned it on to 'Doraemon', sat down and just sort of drooled at the TV for about five minutes. Then you quickly jumped up on it, and you jumped off screaming 'I can fly!'. Then you fainted in mid-air." Genma told him.

"In other words, Akane's cooking made you so stupid that you were hypnotized! We could make a fortune off of this!" Ranma exclaimed as he dragged Akane out the door.

"You know what's weird though, I feel refreshed somehow. Like I've had a disease all this time and I've been cured just very recently. Thanks for all of your hospitality, Mr. Tendo, Mr. Saotome, Kasumi, Nabiki, and... Akane." Ryoga sighs as he walks away.

Ranma snaps, "HEY! What about me!"


	2. Ryoga's Disease

Chapter 2: Ryoga's Disease

"Oh jeez, what's happened to me? I know I told them I was alright, but that's means nothing! I feel like my brain got rearranged!" Ryoga said, as he was outside. "Hey... wait a minute... something is completely NOT right about this... But. What. Could. It. Be?" He sat down to think, and looked around... "WAIT! I know what's wrong! I got home without getting lost!"

---

"What's up with that idiot. Just walks out of here without thanking me. If I hadn't hated Akane's--" censored! "--cooking, he wouldn't even have found this place!" Ranma pouted in a corner.

"Yes, you know what was strange with dear Ryoga this morning, when he left he walked towards his house." Kasumi wondered

"So what, he was just going home." Ranma muttered.

"Exactly! If he wanted to go home, he would have gone in a different direction! Something is seriously wrong here. We need to go talk to Ryoga!" Akane exclaimed.

"Okay, let's go!" Everyone exclaimed...

"Uh... I'd hate to be the one to ask this, but, where's the door?" Ranma questioned.

"What! Are you serious, Ranma! The door is right over... actually, come to think of it, where is the door!" Akane yelled.

"Ok, ok, kids. Just settle down. First, everyone search for the way out of this place, and then we'll all go together to find Ryoga." Genma resolved.

---4 days later---

Ah, it's soooo nice to be able to go for a nice walk without having to carry a backpack full of supplies with me!- Ryoga thought as he enjoyed his newfound freedom. "La de da de da! It's so great to be ali-- what are you guys doing out here?" exclaimed Ryoga as he passed Genma, Soun, Nabiki, Kasumi, Akane, and Ranma, all half-starved and crawling desperatly.

"Please, son, do you know where our house is? PLEASE!" Genma screamed.

"Uh, Mr. Saotome, your house is right there." Ryoga answered pointing to the house sitting right across the street.

"Wait, what we really wanted to do it come with you! We need to talk." Akane begged.

---

"So, what's the big deal with all of you?" Ryoga questioned.

"What's wrong with us! You gave your stupid sense of direction to us!" Ranma yelled angrily.

"Wait, what?"

"You gave us your sense of direction! Now do I need to repeat it again, Mr. Idiot?"

"Uh... just give me a minute..." Ryoga replied as he walked over to a bookcase. "No... where is it... that's not it... " -ACHOO- "...Ugh, all this dust! Ah, I found it. The medical dictionary. Let's see...H...Hedley Syndrome...Hexagon Virus... there we are, the Hibiki Illness." Everyone gathers around Ryoga. "'Although the only people who have ever caught this disease are the Hibiki family in Japan, as the name itself states, this illness is kept in this book for reference only. This is a very peculiar illness which deforms the brain, damaging the right Parietal Lobe. Because of this, the affected persons have extreme difficulty finding the way around new, and even familiar places. The most peculiar thing about the illness is that it will deform the brain in a matter of seconds, and when the illness has been removed, the Parietal Lobe heals almost as fast.'" Ryoga quoted.

"So, are we actually supposed to believe this junk? That you gave us a virus, the virus gave us freakin' head trauma, and now we suddenly can't find our way around places! Do you know how impossible that is?" Ranma yelled, both confused and steaming.

"Well, it's an actual medical case. It's all true, I'm afraid." Ryoga muttered. "You guys are so lucky I'm around. I'm so nice, I'll even come to your house to stay so I can help everyone get around!" Ryoga offers.

Akane answers with a hug, "Oh, Ryoga, thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!"

"Wait a minute, something is suspicious here. Ryoga's got to be up to something..." Ranma ponders, walking away while everyone is laughing and thanking Ryoga.

Ryoga, of course, is already daydreaming... -Ah, now I've got the perfect chance to advance on Akane! I can see it now! 'Ryoga, I can't find the soap in the shower, can you help me?' 'Ryoga, dear, help me find another bra!' 'Oh, Ryoga, I can't find my chopsticks, can you feed me?' This is perfect! Operation Smoochy-Coochie is in effect!-


	3. Operation SmoochieCoochie

Chapter 3: Operation Smoochie-Coochie

"Oh dear, this just won't work! Ryoga, can you help me bathe? I just can't seem to find the tub!" Akane exclaimed.

"Oh, don't worry! I'll always be by your side, Akane. Remember that! From now until we die!" Ryoga answered dreamily.

"Oh, that's excellent, Ryoga! Now let's get in the car! Our wedding is today!"

"Then let us go, post-haste!"

"Hmf. You think I'll be swooned that easily!"

"Wha-what do you mean, my smoochie-coochie?"

"I hate you! You're so stupid! Why did you have to be born! I'll kill you! I swear!"

"N-n-no! P-please, Akane! NOO!"

---

"Hmm, next time I think I'll bring some popcorn to the show." Ranma mumbled, standing over sleeping Ryoga. Since no one can find their way around, everyone now sleeps in the living room.

"Rrg, Ranma... leave... me... ALONE!" Ryoga screams.

Akane immediately came to Ryoga's aid. "...R.A.N.M.A... I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Just get out of my LIFE!" Things were finally getting back to normal... um... unless you count the fact that Akane was screaming at a wall because Ranma was on the other side of the room, and she couldn't find him. "Ugh, I need to go to the bathroom. Ryoga, can you help me get there?"

AHA! The chance at last! AKANE! I will get you to love me!- "Coming Akane!"

---

"So THAT'S where the bathroom was." Akane exclaimed.

"So, ...heh heh... need any help getting to the toilet?"

"Uh, no, I think I can make it."

"Are you sure, Akane?"

"...I SAID... I'll be fine..."

"No, really. Do you need help?"

" I SAID NO, YOU PERVERTED FREAK!" Akane finally snapped, kicking Ryoga through the wall.

---

Maybe there's some missing link. Some reason why Akane doesn't want to let me help her strip her clothing...-

"Ryoga, dear, can you help me to the kitchen? I need to make lunch for everyone!" Kasumi called.

That's it! I've been paying too much attention to her! I need to give Akane the cold shoulder!- "Yes, Kasumi, it's right in here!"

"Ryoga, I need to go to Kuno's house for... a chat..." Nabiki called. ( - Going to sell pictures of 'The Pig-Tailed Girl')

"Right this way, madame." Ryoga blushed.

"Ryoga, can you help me find my room?" ...Akane.

"Hmf." Ryoga said pompously, ignoring Akane's request.

"Ryoga... why are you being so mean to me!" Akane screeched before breaking out in tears.

It's working, it's working!- Ryoga thought before being pounded through the window at 150 miles an hour.

- The Next Month -

"Y'know, I haven't seen Ryoga yet today. I wonder why he's not here..." Akane wondered.

"Hey, over here!" Genma called. "I found this note on Ryoga's bed while I was searching for the back door. It says, 'Gone to the hospital. The internal bleeding became too much. Be back in a few days.'

Akane was the first to react, "Oh, no. We have to get to the hospital. Otherwise, we'll be stuck going no where for the next few days! Let's go!"

- A Few Days Later -

"Ugh... again you guys!" Ryoga complained. "If you're stuck across the street, just ask someone to help you!"

---

"We really need to find a way to fix you guys." -Oh no... but then Operation Smoochie-Coochie would be in shambles! Nothing could be worse than that!- Ryoga thought. "Mmm, I'm hungry. Who wants Okonomiyaki?"

"Ooh, right here." Ranma answered excitedly.

---

"Well, Ryoga, Ranma, Akane, Mr. Saotome, Mr. Tendo, Kasumi, Nabiki, what do you all want on your Okonomiyaki?" Ukyo asked.

Ryoga: "Mmm, I'll have beef."

Ranma: "I think I'll have beef too."

Akane: "I'll be fine if it's plain."

Genma: "Some bamboo would really hit the spot."

Soun:"Same here."

Kasumi: "Oh, I'll just have some fresh vegetables."

Nabiki: "Lots of those for me too."

"Oh, wait. I'm out of vegetables. Let me go to the stock room." Ukyo exclaimed, walking out the front door.

Ranma muttered, "Umm, Ukyo, that's... the wrong door..."

---

"Well, sorry to be a bother to you all." Ukyo apologized. "I still don't quite understand though. Can you repeat what you said happened to me?"

"We told you already. You contracted our stupid virus. Now you get lost as easily as Ryoga used to." Ranma explained.

"Oh, dear. But Ranma-Honey, why did I only get this virus now when Ryoga's been around us for at least a year?"

"Really easy question to answer. When I was reading the medical dictionary, it also said that it takes 40 days for the virus to settle in the person. During that time, any people near the affected person also get infected. I've been like that since I was born, so no one here was affected from me when we all met." Ryoga explained.

"Well, what about the fact that you aren't getting the virus from us right now?" Akane asked.

"Please don't interupt me. As I was going to say, you can only contract the virus once. The only way to treat it is to go to a special place in Japan."

"...Well! Where is it!" Everyone yells.

"It's..."


	4. A Miracle Cure?

Chapter 4: A Miracle Cure?

* * *

-Just as an editor's note, believe it or not, Inu-Yasha fans, but there is a waterfall named Sango Waterfall. Look here: "http/www.kanko-otakara.jp/webapps/Contribute/Parser.do?codes010890847739016012&prefix02x019MCKI5238zP&lcode02"-

* * *

"It's..." Ryoga dragged on. Everyone was in his face waiting for his answer. "It's... It's..."

"WHAT!" Everyone screeched from impatience.

"...Sango Waterfall, in the Hidaka National Forest on Hokkaido."

"Well, that's just great. How are we supposed to get to Hokkaido? Even at a bargain price, and if we leave Kasumi and Nabiki behind, it'll still cost us more than 100000¥ to get there." Akane pointed out.

"Oh, I'm sure I can find the money for you guys..." Nabiki sneakily whispered.

---

"Due to the overbookage of flights today, all Hokkaido flights will be leaving from Gate 7 today. All Hokkaido flights will be leaving from Gate 7 today. Thank you for your participation!" The speaker blared.

"Wow, I've never been on a plane before." Ranma muttered.

"What, you've never been on an airplane in your life?" Akane exclaimed, astonished.

"No, my old man's too cheap for a plane ride." Ranma told her.

"Just try to get along you two. It's a long ride." Soun explained.

---

"Your seat here, ma'am and sirs." The stewardess said, as she ushered Ranma, Ryoga, and Akane to the front of the plane.

"Weird woman, isn't she?" Akane whispered to Ranma when the stewardess walked away.

"Yeah, and look at all the blue hair...and the strange accent..." Ranma added

"NO! It couldn't be!" Ranma and Akane exclaimed as the stewardess pulled off her uniform.

"But is! Me follow Ranma, Ranma finally marry Shampoo! Akane! You die!" Shampoo yelled in soap-opera style, as she opened the door quickly and shoved Akane out.

"AKANE! NO!" Ranma screamed jumping out the door as well. "You still owe me 150¥!"

"No, stop!" Genma, Soun, and Ryoga called, all jumping out the door. They've all gone insane, I know.

"No, now Ranma never marry Shampoo." Shampoo pouted. "Well, better work before Shampoo get in trouble." Shampoo muttered, wrongfully jogging out the door herself.

---

"Mmm... where are we...?" Ranma muttered groggily.

"In Hidaka Forest."

"Huh, who said that?"

"I did!"

"Well, who are you!"

"My name's--"

Akane realized first. "Shinnosuke! What are you doing here!"

"I have no clue. Maybe to gather some herbs?"

"Can we come over to where you're staying?"

"Sure, why not."

---

"So, why are you here, Shinnosuke? Don't you live in the Ryugenzawa Forest?" Akane asked.

"Well, we used to, but I wanted to see you again." Shinnosuke answered. "I thought you said you lived here."

"When did I say I lived in a National Forest!" Akane screeched.

"I'm not sure. By the way, who are your friends there?" Shinnosuke asked absent-mindedly.

"Well you guys, don't you think we should look for the waterfall now?" Ryoga resolved.

"Why do that?" Shampoo, who had ended up following everyone, asked them.

"Shampoo, if you want your answer, go outside." Ryoga grumbled.

"Okay." ... "But where front door?"

"Exactly. The waterfall is our only hope of getting everyone's sense of direction back. So let's go everyone."

---

"Is this it? Have we finally arrived?" Akane wondered, an astonished look on her face.

"Yep, this is Sango Waterfall. Or at least, this booklet says so." Ryoga answered.

"So, how are we supposed to cure ourselves with a waterfall?" Ranma asked, skeptically.

"Well, the booklet says to... Hey, does anyone know where Ukyo is...?" Ryoga asked.

Akane answered, "Yeah, I haven't seen her since... the airport..."

- Back at the Airport -

"Hellooo... where is everyone! Where did you guys go? HELP!" Ukyo had snapped under pressure. Since she had no money, she sat in the sports store eating baseballs and crying about how the clown was coming to get her.

- Back on Topic -

"Anyways, I'm sure she's just fine. The booklet says to sit on the rocks in the middle of the river, slide down 63.597 centimetres, take a nap, sneeze 3 times, pray to Buddha for a good harvest, and then jump off. Perfectly simple!" Ryoga exclaimed, as everyone stood stunned by what they were expected to do.

"I guess... I'll go first!" Akane shouted out. "So, stand here... slide down... down... there. Then take a nap.

- 10 minutes later -

"Ah... then sneeze--" -ACHOO- "--three--" -ACHOO- "--times--" -ACHOO- "--ah, then, pray to Buddha for a good harvest..." -mumblemumblemumble- "...okay. Then... just... JUMP!" -**CLUNK-**

---

"Akane... Can you hear me?" Ryoga called.

"Uhh... ugh, yes." Akane answered.

"Akane...Akane, how do you feel?"

"I... I feel..."

* * *

Author Comments

_It's official... you all hate me for this. Cliffhangers are the best though. Well, some of my thoughts so far: Thanks to ALL of you who leave a review. Trust me, nothing excites me more than seeing that magical little e-mail in my inbox that says Review Alert!" I appreciate all of my readers, and much thanks to AnimeLady Noriko, who supported my idea from the very start! Oh, and next Tuesday will be the final chapter, and then Friday will bring an Epilogue to tie everything up. Aww... I can't believe all this has come and gone. Thanks everyone and have a good day!_


	5. Or Maybe Not

Chapter 5: ...Or Maybe Not. The Epilogue, Part 1

"I feel...Φρικτός! " Akane exclaimed.

"What!" Ryoga shouted.

"I said, I feel Schrecklich! " Akane yelled again.

"Oh, no, what'd I do wrong now!" Ryoga panicked.

" Ik niet voel goed! "

"Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no! We need to get her to Dr. Tofu, NOW!" Ryoga yelled.

---

Dr. Tofu was very helpful. "You are an idiot."

"Thank you, Dr. Tofu."

"Ok, so Akane actually managed to do all the things outlined in this booklet. But you need glasses. This booklet says it will cure your sense of 'Dialection', not 'Direction'!"

" ¡Usted es el idiota más grande entre reyes! " Akane screeched at Ryoga.

"Well then, how do we cure our sense of Direction?" Ryoga asked.

"Easily." Dr. Tofu said, as he walked over to everyone, jabbing into their sides.

"Ack! Вы делаете, извращенный человек? " Akane yelled at Dr. Tofu, running out the door.

"See?"

"-Gasp!- We're cured!" Genma exclaimed, happily.

"Well, that's nice, but what about Akane's dialection?" Ryoga asked.

"Oh, that. It wears off in 24 hours." Dr. Tofu told him, ushering everyone out the door.

- The Next Day -

Akane was a slight bit disappointed, "Well, at least that was a fun adventure. We got to see Hokkaido, visit a national landmark, and even got cured of our problems."

"Yeah, but you know what's weird..." Ranma began, "...what about that whole blurb about the "Hibeku Retardedness", or whatever. Didn't he say all that stuff about the Retardedness settling, and others getting it... and whatever? He's making himself a big hole right now..."

"Yeah, that's really strange. I'll have to ask him about it..." Akane spoke as she checked for Ryoga, but he had already left.

Akane's "Dialection" Lines

"I feel... HORRIBLE!" (Greek)

"I said, I feel horrible!" (German)

"I don't feel good!" (Dutch)

"You are the largest idiot among kings!" (Spanish)

"Ack! What are you doing, perverted man?" (Russian)

Author Notes

_ Welcome to the second last chapter of the series! I've finished typing the other chapter already, and trust me, the story has a good ending. Also, please note that because the epilogue is split into two parts, chapters 5 and 6 are mini-chapters, for lack of a better term. They're about half as long as my normal chapters. Thanks for reading! Luv ya!_


	6. Deja Vu

Chapter 6: Deja Vu... The Epilogue: Part 2

"Everyone, eat up! I made my own special meal today! It's an okonomiyaki made with my lucky spices, or un koumi. I call it 'Unkonomiyaki'!" Akane yelled enthusiastically.

Ranma answered quickly, "Ugh... again. Akane, maybe it's just me, but that name still means 'Japanese Pizza Made Of Sh--"

"ALRIGHT, so everybody dig in!"

"Mmm. Akane, this is almost edible!" Ranma exclaims in amazement.

"What? Really!" Akane squeals.

"No." Ranma utters as he trudges to the bathroom.

"...R.A.N.M.A..." Akane screeches as she chases after him. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Just get out of my LIFE!"

"Hey, looks like Akane made breakfast again. Mind if I try some?" Ryoga asks, walking in.

"Oh, hello Ryoga. Umm, Ryoga... Are you okay? This is AKANE. This is HER COOKING. This is our kitchen AFTERWORDS." Soun replied skeptically, pointing out the charred black kitchen full of frayed wires and burning cabinets, which Kasumi was putting out, still somehow maintaining her girlish charm. Sounding familiar?

Oh, but my love for her can let me stomach even a 5 course meal made by her- Ryoga thought dreamily to himself. "Oh, I don't mind. It can't be THAT bad!"

---

"Oh, not again... What'd I do this time?" Ryoga grumbled as he awoke from being sprawled on the floor.

"The usual. You said to your self, 'wow, yum.', then you stood up slowly, stumbled over to the TV, turned it on to 'Doraemon', sat down and drooled at the TV for about five minutes. Then you quickly jumped up on it, and you jumped off screaming 'I can fly!'. Then you fainted in mid-air. We tried to wake you up by poking you in the side a lot, but you wouldn't come to." Genma told him.

"Arg... I've gotta stop this... okay. Mr. Saotome, Mr. Tendo, thank you for helping me again." Ryoga mumbled as he stood up. But little did he know, he would say the sentence that would shock everyone...

"Where's the door?"

---

"GAH! I can't even believe it. This whole this was the story of our lives! We get into a big problem, we solve it, and then EVERYTHING'S back to normal!" Akane screamed in desperation.

"Yep, but the important thing is that this story managed to have a PERFECTLY PERFECT ending." Ranma said.

Akane interrupted, "But Ranma, what about your whole complaint about plot ho--"

"I said, IT'S A PERFECT ENDING!" Ranma yelled forcefully.

Kasumi ran up to Ranma and Akane quickly, as if to tell them something, "Oh, Akane and Ranma, dear, I was looking at this booklet Ryoga left behind, and I thought you might be interested in this page here."

"Oh, thanks a lot, Kasumi-- GAH!" Akane screeched as she read the page, which said, 'Sango Waterfall. We import all water proudly from Jusenkyo's Spring of Drown Man. Oops, better watch out there, girls!'

Akane was speechless, except for three simple words, "OH... MY... GOD!"

Author Notes

_Ah ha! I managed to create a competent ending AND get an idea for a new story in the process! Who's the best? Uh huh! Thanks to all my readers. Have a good day, and the tie-in story begins sometime in the future. I'll be called "Akane, the Tomboy". See ya then!  
_


End file.
